Big boys in Big beds

Noah has moved into a toddler bed... my little boy is getting so big. We found a really good deal on a Nemo bed and decided to grab it while we could. $20 later, we moved the mattress out of the crib and now have two toddlers in two toddler beds. I had to move them apart today because Josh discovered he could jump from one to the other. OH goodness, we did not want another missing tooth.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. We celebrated twice, once with each side of the family, and I managed not to cry. Cry? Yes, Cry... I have cried at work at least once a week in the past few weeks, as I get reminded unexpectely of the grief I feel over the loss of these two little ones this year. I have decided that I am grieving them both right now. I must not have done enough grieving the first time, because this time is BAD! So the holidays are a mixed blessing. I am thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for a home, a job and a mighty and powerful God. I am also thankful that God is taking care of my little ones in heaven, even though I long for them to be here. That longing is SO hard to explain. How do you explain the gut wrenching sobs that come from longing for something so strongly? You can't and I hope you never have to hear them. I pray that God continues to richly bless you all and in our struggles and trials, remind us of all we have to be thankful for.

Mad and Sad

I've been working hard on things in our house the last few days, an obvious attempt to distract myself and keep from feeling the feelings that I have. As I was trimming bushes, I remarked that I am MAD. I'm not sure who I'm mad at, but I am mad that I lost this baby. I'm mad that this is the third I've lost. I am just plain MAD. But under that madness is a deep, gut wrenching sadness. I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I long to hold a newborn in my arms again. I long to feel the movement of life inside me. I long to have the third child that I have always thought would complete our family.

So I start asking the question WHY? Why me? Why not me? Why does someone else deserve to go through this pain and not me? But why me again? Why two in a row? Why did I believe it wouldn't happen this time? Why, Why, Why?

And then I allow myself to cry. My children are in bed and I can let down my happy mom face. I can cry the tears that have built up inside me all day. I feel sorrow and pain that is unexplainable, but that I cannot put into words. I seek out friends and family to keep my company, to keep my mind from thinking about this. But eventually they also need to go home and I am forced to confront my feelings. I am force to experience them and not avoid them any longer. I allow myself to be weak.

I struggle with feeling weak and out of control. For those of you who know me well, you know that I always have a plan and that I do not let my guard down. I strive to be perfect in an easy going way. It's not completely type A personality, but a more relaxed version. I keep my emotions locked tightly away and do not allow myself to be hurt by showing them. Maybe this is one thing God is trying to teach me. To ask for help and to share myself truly. Maybe He is teaching me again that I am not as strong as I would like to believe and that I cannot handle everything on my own.

Maybe I need to be a child of God and crawl into His lap and cry. And the tears will flow freely and the questions will be unsensored and God would understand and accept this. He will hold me in His arms and reassure me that this is what needed to happen. He would not give me all of the answers I wanted and I would need to keep trusting in Him, but He would comfort me. He would not need me to explain my thoughts and feelings because He already knows. He has felt them with me and He understands.

Another loss...

Just when I think life is going perfectly, God reminds me that life in this world is not perfect, nor will I ever understand it. Jeff and I were excitedly planning for the birth of another child the end of June, but this child has also gone to be with it's Heavenly Father. I miscarried over the last few days at 6 weeks. I don't know why... I don't know when we'll try again... I just don't know much right now, except that we are hurt and not as optimistic as we have been in the past.

I guess I was preparing myself for this to happen, as I didn't want to be as hurt as last time, but how do you ever prepare yourself to lose a child. A child, a precious gift that God gives us to nurture and care for during our time on earth. I have two of these precious gifts in my arms each day and maybe that is enough... maybe, maybe not...

Back...

It's been a long time since I've posted an update on here, this is what's been going on...

We have decided to put our house up for sale by owner for the winter and then use a realtor this spring if needed. That has meant a lot of cleaning and trying to get ready for a possible call once we put up the sign.

I've been trying to figure out day care changes for the boys. We have decided to put Josh in a structured daycare setting two days a week. This will give him some "school" time and give him some time away from his brother. Both will hopefully be a good thing for him.

Noah will be staying with our current home daycare provider. She just had a baby and will be returning to work in two weeks, when her baby is 4 weeks old. This will be an interesting adjustment for Noah, who is used to being the youngest, but may prove to be good practice for a younger sibling someday.

Jeff has been VERY busy at work and it seems we are working opposite schedules many days. The boys are getting lots of time with us, just not both of us. This is one of those struggles that come with me wanting to use my degree and do the therapy work that I love.

Josh has started attending sunday school and singing in the children's choir at church. He LOVES it! I thought he might have a hard time, but my outgoing little guy jumped right into it.

Noah is FINALLY out of 6-12 month clothes. He is 17 months now, so it's about time he moved onto the 12-18 month size. Most of these are still a litttle big, but he is growing!

That's the update... sorry it's been so long.

Roof Woes

Last night on the way to bed, Jeff and I heard a very disheartening sound... the sound of water dripping. Where was it coming from? The kitchen ceiling...

It appears that our roof has been leaking for some time and it had finally come through the ceiling. At 11 pm, we stood in the kitchen, pulling down ceiling and wet insulation.

Now another thing or two needs to be done before our house can be put up for sale. We need to repair our roof and probably put another layer of shingles on it. Then we need to repair the kitchen ceiling and repaint it.

This all sounds very tiring to me, but I have calls into 3 different roofing companies. If anyone knows someone in the area who does a good job and is quick and relatively cheap... Let me know!

Sorting and Organizing

It's that time of year again, when I start to think about fall and winter clothing and start doing the switch over. I've been going through totes of clothing all morning to determine what the boys need still for this winter, and what I might be able to get them on clearance for next summer... Now it's time to drop off some donations, try to sell some of this clothing and then take a nap!

Josh's surgery

Josh had surgery on Thursday to replace tubes in his ears. His had finally fallen out after 18 months and he immediately started getting ear infections again. He also got his anoides out to maybe help with ear and sinus infections. So, other than a REALLY cranky boy things have been going okay. Then comes Friday night when he starts running a fever and throwing up. He wakes up feeling fine on Saturday and now tonight he is all chilled again. I'm waiting for him to throw up again as I lay with him and type this... we'll see how the night goes.

On the migraine front... I have started weaning myself off Topamax, which works extremely well for preventing my migraines, however is not good when you eventually want to get pregnant again. So, I thought this weekend would be a good time to see if I can go off it yet. So far, so good... caffiene and Aleve seem to be taking care of the headaches I am getting. This is a significant improvement since my bad migrianes, like the ones I was getting for a month straight, don't get better with anything.

I started pulling fall clothes out for the boys and am very sad to say that Noah is STILL wearing 6-12 month clothing. I thought at 15 months we might move up a size, but alas, we have not. So, I did decide he is going to wear more jeans and "big boy" looking clothing instead of one peice outfits. He's so little that everyone things he's really young and walking. Which, he was at 9 months when he started, but he is now at the age when most babies are walking so he doesn't deserve all of the praise and attention he's getting for it anymore.

So, that's life in this Rozema nutshell... time to plug in the laptop and see if Josh will stay sleeping with me not in the room. (I know, this is a REALLY bad bedtime routine).

Migraines

I had a migraine today that brought me back to the reality that I have to take care of myself and listen to my body. My body is VERY good at bringing me to this realization. It usually gives me a great migriane that I cannot ignore. Today's wasn't as bad as the worst ones, but bad enough that I had to leave my training halfway through and go home to sleep for a few hours before picking my boys up from daycare. Luckily, that and the painkillers worked, so I was still able to go out for dinner with my hubby and ride around in the company convertible.

Oh the joys of relaxation!

Is it really family reunion time again?

Every year, just as I start thinking about going camping up at Young, I get a phone call. It's from my dear, biological grandmother. She is calling me to invite me to the family reunion... I have told her repeatedly that this is not something I am interested in doing, but she calls every year. Last year, she decided that I needed to do this and left me numerous messages on my answering machine, the last one resulting in her being quite put off that I was not calling her back. Mind you, I was avoiding her calls by checking the caller id, however I was not happy that she had figured this out.

Now before you judge me for avoiding these calls... this is a woman whom I have talked to a total of maybe 10 times in my entire life. I struggle with how to balance what she wants with what I need and desire. She unfortunately does not understand this struggle and believes I should be walking into her family with open arms and a huge smile. That's just not going to happen any time soon and I wish I could nicely tell her that I need to do what is healthy for me, and being an integrated part of her family is not that.

Regardless, I got the call today, and a nice message inviting me and my family to the annual family get together, where I will be able to meet her sister from Germany. (nice guilt addition there). She informed the answering machine, that the rest of the family would LOVE to meet me and my family and she looks forward to my call back.

First of all, I'm not going to a family reunion where my biological mother may decide to attend. I am 29 years old and have had no contact with the rest of this family since I was 2 years old, and EXTREMELY limitted contact with grandma. I am not starting now...

So, I am all triggered again, will have a horrible time falling asleep and will spend the next few days trying to figure out how to explain to grandma again, that I am not going to take this step.

Can't the past just disappear? Or at least accept my decision? I feel comfortable with it, have processed it numerous times and understand why I feel this way. I just have that nagging issue of wanting to please everyone and not let anyone down, even if it's grandma who I get a phone call from once a year.

Potty training update!

Josh has been dry!!! Since Thursday evening, Josh has had 2 accidents, including naptime, but not bedtime. It's AMAZING to me that he has decided he can do it and be a big boy. One more day and he earns his new bike!

Potty Training

The other day at daycare, Josh had a bm in his pull up while laying down for nap. He then got up and asked his daycare provider to "change his diaper". I decided at this point that he is too old to be wearing pull ups all of the time, because he sees them as a diaper. Yesterday I sent him to daycare in underwear, with plastic pants for added back up. He made it ALL day without having an accident, even through nap time. Today we did the same and managed to even go to Meijer and have another accident free nap. I'm VERY excited! I've been building up the big boy underwear thing and we've talked about having 5 days dry and then getting a new bike (which I already have in the basement, but Josh has not see in yet). I do not expect Josh to stay dry at night, just during the day. He is not very self aware so he rarely asks or tells when he has to go to the bathroom, just bm and that's not all of the time.

Jeff is off to Cadillac this weekend, working on a habitat house. So tomorrow the boys and I are off to the lake. I think tonight, when my sister and nephew come over, we are going to go to the mall and get some more big boy underwear. (Keeping Lightning McQueen dry has been a very successful motivator)

Procedure done...

I had my surgery today and am officially, no longer pregnant. I have to say that I did make the nurse look for a heart beat with the doppler before I would sign papers to have the procedure completed. I knew it was a last ditch chance and I so wanted them to find something, but knew they wouldn't. I needed to have that one last chance proven wrong before I could go ahead.

I am surprised how physically well I feel after this. Not much pain, just some cramping. That's a blessing!

I have told Josh that our baby had to go away and that we would maybe get another one later. He was upset about this and told me "NO", but I felt I needed to tell him since he spent an hour laying in bed with me last night wimpering and telling me he was sad. He wasn't able to say why he was sad, but I think he had picked up on my feelings, even though I had tried to hide them from him. (HELLO THERAPIST... kids pick up on these things) So we prayed that God would help us not be so sad and that he would take care of our baby. This seemed to appease him, but he has been much more clingy and affectionate in the last few weeks.

Noah has also been struggling with sleeping and being clingy the last few weeks. This could be for a mutlitude of reasons, including family stress, teething, being 1, shots and vacation. Since he's not verbal yet, he's just been getting lots of cuddle time and I've tried not to read too much into it.

Jeff and I continue to do well and support each other, although I know he's supporting me more than I've giving to him. He is going away on a service project this weekend and I'm making sure he goes. This will be good self care for him and I know he loves doing this kind of thing. I've made plans to take the boys to grandma and grandpa's trailer at Sandy Pines so that we will keep busy and have lots of support around if needed.

Emotionally... I think I'm avoiding today... I'm a REALLY good avoider! It's one of my best coping skills and has been used often. It will catch up to me and I will have to take time to grieve this loss again, now that it's final. Until then, I'm putting on my happy face and being thankful that I can take motrin tonight instead of just tylenol.

Ambivalence

Tomorrow I go in for surgery to end this pregnancy, which seems weird because it's already a dead end pregnancy, but I'm still technically pregnant. I thought I was doing well with this, but the last few days I've been very teary. Maybe because I'm still throwing up, looking pregnant and feeling pregnant. Maybe because I picked up the medication I'm supposed to take tonight and it says don't take if you are pregnant. Maybe it's just the finality of it all...

I am also struck by the irony that if I had not had that "free" ultrasound, I would still not know that this pregnancy would not end in a happy birth. I'm not sure which way is better, waiting two more weeks and either starting to miscarry on my own or having them not find a heartbeat at my next appointment, or having gone through this situation. No matter what, I cling to the fact that God has a plan and that this was the way it was supposed to happen.

Either way, I feel like a basket case and just want to curl up in my bed and forget about it all for a while. Lucky for me, I have two busy boys who don't allow me to seclude myself from the world and who allow me to get lost in their worlds instead. I thank God for not giving me this type of experience before I had other children. Our first miscarriage was very early and we hardly knew we were pregnant. This child has an identity and will be even harder to let go of, but we will move on. I would have a much harder time with this loss if I didn't know I could have children and if I didn't know God. I have had a lot of support from family, friends and church family through all of this and even though I sometimes get the insensitive comment like "so technically, you didn't lose a baby...," (which I have to say I disagree with because I believe life begins at conception and there was and still is a fertilized egg hanging on in there), I have received many sensitive comments and reassurances.

I am once again reminded of how our own life experiences can be used in our work as therapist... I have explained to teenagers who ask about this, that I will grieve in much the same way as they grieve their birth parents and it will be an ongoing process and even when I think I'm done, I will be triggered by something unexpected and feel that sadness again. I am reminded by other's attempts to connect with me that everyone has a different experience in whatever situation they have faced and even though they may seem similar, it is still not appropriate to state that you know what they are going through.

I know that tomorrow I will be very sad, but I also know that I will continue to grow stronger with each passing day.

I was given the option of having the lab look at the tissue to analyze, but have decided that I do not want to know if a mistake was made and there was a child growing. I would never be able to trust myself or my doctor again if I ended a productive pregnancy. I also do not want to know what chromosomal abnormality might have caused this. Jeff and I decided early on when we were trying to start a family that we would not do genetic testing or screening for downs syndrome or other chromosomal defects. We knew that even if we found out that one of our children had something like this, we would not be ending the pregnancy anyway and we would love our child no matter what. We continue to believe this and do not want to start questioning those beliefs now or for any future pregnancy.

Grieving

We had our ultrasound and have some very clear answers. The gestational sac has started to shrink which clearly means there is nothing growing inside it and that the pregancy is not viable. We have decided to wait until Monday to have a procedure done, but have peace in knowing there is not a new Rozema joining our family in Febuary. I must be all cried out because I haven't even cried today. I'm home doing paper work and getting ready to go back to work tomorrow. I am thankful for a clear answer as waiting has been one of the hardest things. I know that there is a reason for this and we will try for another child in a few months. In the mean time, I will enjoy the rest of the summer with my silly boys and remember this little one along with the first one that we lost.

I remember asking Jeff, when we first found out we might miscarry, if he thought God was taking care of our baby. I have to believe that both of our little angels are with God and all of the other children who do not make it to birth. Maybe that's where all of those baby cherub images come from. I won't ever look at them the same as I wonder what our little cherubs look like and know that I will recognize them in heaven.

Thanks for all of the prayers for our family. I do have an amazing peace about this and know if must be from all of your faithfulness!

Ultrasound tomorrow

Tomorrow morning at 9 am we have another ultrasound scheduled. I'm praying that they find our little one, but know that the chances of that are slim. I go back to work on Wednesday regardless. I think I've decided that unless things have stopped growing are are starting to deteriorate, I'm going to hold out until 12 weeks, when a heart beat should be able to be heard with a doppler, or until my body recognizes this as an unviable pregnancy. That's only 2.5 more weeks, but they will be hard long weeks. Maybe I won't have to worry about that at all, if they find our little one's heart beat tomorrow, but I struggle with hope and realism. Again, thanks for all of the prayers. Luckily, I've been feeling okay, just pregnant, and have been able to enjoy this time with my family.

It's now Thursday evening...

It's now Thursday evening and it appears there are no new answers. If anything, I feel more pregnant and more hopeful that this pregancy will continue in a healthy way. I know this may be false hope, but I've found some encouraging sites online that continue to give me hope. I thank you all for your prayers and support as we wait for answers in this long journey!

Updates...

I know everyone has been wondering what has been happening that we have been asking for prayers this week. It's hard to update that on facebook so here is the lowdown. On Friday I went for my first doctor's appointment for this pregnancy. I was 8 weeks along and was offered an early ultrasound with the new equipment. Exciting for me, since I've never had an early ultrasound and I really wanted to have a picture of this baby to bring home and show Josh. During the ultrasound, a gestational sac was found, but no heartbeat or baby. This is typically called a blithe ovum and we were told we had miscarried and I would likely pass the pregnancy over the weekend.

Well, we were planning to leave right after our doctor's appointment to go on a long weekend of zoo visits with the boys. We were told this was fine and when I started bleeding to call the doctor so he could decide whether or not I needed to go to an emergency room or if I was doing okay on my own. If I hadn't passed it by the time we got back, a D&C would be scheduled. We left very sad and upset, but determined to salvage the weekend.

Over the weekend, I continued to have morning sickness and had no bleeding. I had a very hard time understanding how I could still feel so pregnant if I was not supporting a baby. I decided that when I got back, I was going to ask for another round of blood work, thinking this would give me a clear indication that there was no child growing. My doctor supported this and understood I did not want to end the pregnancy if there was any chance.

On Monday night I went in and got that work done and my hormone levels were 46,000. This is very good for where I am at in the pregnancy. My doctor was also impressed and scheduled another ultrasound stating that he had been surprised before and had some hope. I went for the second ultrasound on Tuesday and again, no baby or heartbeat, but my gestational sac had grown. This seemed like a clear answer to me and we planned to have a d&c scheduled for Thursday. Soon after talking with my doctor, he called me back and said he was unnerved by the whole thing. He felt my hormone levels were too high and with the sac still growing, he did not want to end this pregnancy with the chance that maybe we were missing something in the ultrasounds.

Needless to say, this has been an emotional roller coaster as I start to deal with the idea that I have lost a baby, then get another glimmer of hope from the medical profession. This would be my second miscarriage, which does not make it any easier. I see my two healthy little boys running around and know that God has a plan, but continue to question what that is.

Thank you for all of the prayers and support. I'll try to update everyone as we get clearer answers. We have another ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday, unless my body gives us the clear answer before then.