New update...

It's been a while I know... Sorry about that, life has been busy. We've been trying to get our house ready to sell (again), and have run into snag after snag. Looks like it will be after vacation before our sign goes up, but hopefully soon.

We want to move as soon as possible, into a bigger house to accomodate our growing family. I think everyone knows that we are expecting number three, but maybe that's not news that's been out there yet either.

So, Baby Rozema #3 is expected January 6th. I'm hoping this will happen a little earlier because, well, if you're that close to the end of the year, you might as well get a tax incentive. Both of our boys were a week early so it is possible.

We are going to try to find out what this one is, but won't have an ultrasound till the end of August. I'm so excited to have a healthy one growing inside me. I've already started to feel what I expect is this little one, but it's so early that I just suspect. Josh has been trying to figure out names. So far he likes Samuel Jacob for a boy. He is not liking our girl name and says "Brooklyn, yuck" everytime we mention it. Oh, an opinionated 4 year old. Noah is not at all concerned with this baby thing that we keep talking about. He's into being a two year old who doesn't really know what he wants and throws tantrums when he can't figure it out.

It's amazing how different children in the same family can be. I love them both, but they are so completely opposite on some things. It makes me smile and tear up when I hear Noah saying "thank you Josh" when he helps him with something or watching them play nicely together. It makes me wonder what I was thinking when they start teasing each other or fighting over the silliest things.

I guess I'm on a quarterly update schedule right now, but I promise to try to do better!

Full time therapist, full time mom

I never wanted to work full time with kids. Didn't want to do it, didn't think I ever would.... until now. Now, when work took away benefits for part time workers. So, for the past 8 weeks I have been working full time, without earning benefits, to "prove" I can carry a full time caseload. That means seeing at least 26 clients a week. That's a lot of hurting kids!!! I finally did it, I have made it to full time. Let me tell you, it was tough since it was winter and there are more clients that cancel due to illness and weather conditions, as well as more reasons that I need to cancel.

Why do I need benefits? Well, one reasons is I do plan to try to have another child at some point. If I do have a successful pregancy, I want and deserve a paid maternity leave. Also, my kids are not the healthiest kids on the block. We've had pnemonia and scarlet fever in the house this winter, along with asthma and colds. When I have to stay home with my kids, I still pay $50 for the day in daycare costs. I need to get paid for those days when I don't choose to be home.

So, until that next kid comes along, or we adopt, or I decide I've had enough, I will be full time. I'm doing this in 4 days a week and then paperwork at home so that my boys aren't in daycare everyday. But again, THAT'S ALOT OF HURTING KIDS, walking into my office and showing me their hurt. That's a lot of parents looking to me to "fix their kid". Some days I'm so emotionally worn out that I just want to go home and hug and cuddle my kids. Too bad my boys are too busy and active for cuddles. They do make me laugh and they both talk to me on the phone on my late days, when they are home with daddy.

I realize more and more how blessed I am by my two little rascals. These little guys both have a mom and dad who love and nurture them. They go out silly outings, frequent walks by the river, trips to the zoo, playland visits, and bike rides. They get tickled and loved and have not experienced the pain that already some of the children their age have been through. I sometimes wonder how different each of the children coming into my office would be, if they had been given the start to life that my boys have been given. Then I remember my own early life and how I have been able to use my experiences to heal others. I thank God for the gifts he has given me and pray that he will help me to be both a nurturing and God fearing mother, as well as reach out to his hurting children and provide them a chance to become all that He intended them to be.

Playing with the webcam

The boys love the new laptop with the webcam. I am frequently asked if we can "see us and wear hats". Our cam comes with some fun effects. The boys are getting used to talking to family online, which is weird since they always told us in elementary and middle school that some day we would talk to each other across the country and be able to see each other. Never thought it would happen then, kinda like a someday we'll all live on the moon, but this time it did. So here is a video of the boys and I playing around a bit. Enjoy our silliness!

Life is good!?

For once I am actually glad to be home with my sick child. I have been working my BUTT OFF at work and had an excuse today to stay home in PJ's and cuddle with Josh. He probably could have gone to daycare and been miserable, but who wants that? Instead he's resting with me, I finished our taxes and was able to make a bunch of phone calls that would have had to wait till tomorrow. Noah is at daycare so that he doesn't got Josh's germs. No sense in having them both sick.

Luckily, in working my butt off at work, I should still reach my required productivity by working Friday. Yeah for that!

Another thing going on, it is hard to believe, but I was supposed to have a baby on Saturday. February 7th was Seth's due date. I can't believe it's been six month's since we miscarried him and only three months since the baby after him. I have to say that I've been doing okay, even good. It's sometimes hard to admit that I am doing good, as I feel this somehow bad, but I am. I have started to look at my life plan a little differently. Sometimes I don't want to try to have another baby, some days I want to adopt a little girl, and some days I'm ready to get pregnant. Isn't that life though? Especially after 3 miscarriages.... I believe it is and if you don't, please don't tell me.

(okay I lied, I just bawled my eyes out... it sucks to lose children)

I thrilled that it's sunny out today!!!! I love that my little guy just fell asleep next to me in the recliner, even if he is snoring and getting his germs all over me. I love my husband and being able to spend time with him whenever we are both home at the same time, or when we make a point of just going to do something simple. I am thankful that I am able to move up to full time at work and add income to our family when so many people are struggling to figure out what to do with income losses.

So overall, Life is good... Not perfect, but I hardly expect that to happen. Come on, it's a fallen world. I'm just thrilled to be content at the moment.

New laptop!!!

I got a new laptop yesterday so that I can do paperwork at home. Okay, I could have done it on the desktop, but that's in the office, and there is NOTHING in there that the boys should be playing with. I want to be able to do paperwork at home so I can be home more, while still working full time. So, I'm having fun learning the new stuff... It's my first time with Vista, a webcam and a fingerprint reader.

The boys love the webcam, so expect some video uploads soon!

Big boys in Big beds

Noah has moved into a toddler bed... my little boy is getting so big. We found a really good deal on a Nemo bed and decided to grab it while we could. $20 later, we moved the mattress out of the crib and now have two toddlers in two toddler beds. I had to move them apart today because Josh discovered he could jump from one to the other. OH goodness, we did not want another missing tooth.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. We celebrated twice, once with each side of the family, and I managed not to cry. Cry? Yes, Cry... I have cried at work at least once a week in the past few weeks, as I get reminded unexpectely of the grief I feel over the loss of these two little ones this year. I have decided that I am grieving them both right now. I must not have done enough grieving the first time, because this time is BAD! So the holidays are a mixed blessing. I am thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for a home, a job and a mighty and powerful God. I am also thankful that God is taking care of my little ones in heaven, even though I long for them to be here. That longing is SO hard to explain. How do you explain the gut wrenching sobs that come from longing for something so strongly? You can't and I hope you never have to hear them. I pray that God continues to richly bless you all and in our struggles and trials, remind us of all we have to be thankful for.

Mad and Sad

I've been working hard on things in our house the last few days, an obvious attempt to distract myself and keep from feeling the feelings that I have. As I was trimming bushes, I remarked that I am MAD. I'm not sure who I'm mad at, but I am mad that I lost this baby. I'm mad that this is the third I've lost. I am just plain MAD. But under that madness is a deep, gut wrenching sadness. I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I long to hold a newborn in my arms again. I long to feel the movement of life inside me. I long to have the third child that I have always thought would complete our family.

So I start asking the question WHY? Why me? Why not me? Why does someone else deserve to go through this pain and not me? But why me again? Why two in a row? Why did I believe it wouldn't happen this time? Why, Why, Why?

And then I allow myself to cry. My children are in bed and I can let down my happy mom face. I can cry the tears that have built up inside me all day. I feel sorrow and pain that is unexplainable, but that I cannot put into words. I seek out friends and family to keep my company, to keep my mind from thinking about this. But eventually they also need to go home and I am forced to confront my feelings. I am force to experience them and not avoid them any longer. I allow myself to be weak.

I struggle with feeling weak and out of control. For those of you who know me well, you know that I always have a plan and that I do not let my guard down. I strive to be perfect in an easy going way. It's not completely type A personality, but a more relaxed version. I keep my emotions locked tightly away and do not allow myself to be hurt by showing them. Maybe this is one thing God is trying to teach me. To ask for help and to share myself truly. Maybe He is teaching me again that I am not as strong as I would like to believe and that I cannot handle everything on my own.

Maybe I need to be a child of God and crawl into His lap and cry. And the tears will flow freely and the questions will be unsensored and God would understand and accept this. He will hold me in His arms and reassure me that this is what needed to happen. He would not give me all of the answers I wanted and I would need to keep trusting in Him, but He would comfort me. He would not need me to explain my thoughts and feelings because He already knows. He has felt them with me and He understands.