Josh had surgery on Thursday to replace tubes in his ears. His had finally fallen out after 18 months and he immediately started getting ear infections again. He also got his anoides out to maybe help with ear and sinus infections. So, other than a REALLY cranky boy things have been going okay. Then comes Friday night when he starts running a fever and throwing up. He wakes up feeling fine on Saturday and now tonight he is all chilled again. I'm waiting for him to throw up again as I lay with him and type this... we'll see how the night goes.
On the migraine front... I have started weaning myself off Topamax, which works extremely well for preventing my migraines, however is not good when you eventually want to get pregnant again. So, I thought this weekend would be a good time to see if I can go off it yet. So far, so good... caffiene and Aleve seem to be taking care of the headaches I am getting. This is a significant improvement since my bad migrianes, like the ones I was getting for a month straight, don't get better with anything.
I started pulling fall clothes out for the boys and am very sad to say that Noah is STILL wearing 6-12 month clothing. I thought at 15 months we might move up a size, but alas, we have not. So, I did decide he is going to wear more jeans and "big boy" looking clothing instead of one peice outfits. He's so little that everyone things he's really young and walking. Which, he was at 9 months when he started, but he is now at the age when most babies are walking so he doesn't deserve all of the praise and attention he's getting for it anymore.
So, that's life in this Rozema nutshell... time to plug in the laptop and see if Josh will stay sleeping with me not in the room. (I know, this is a REALLY bad bedtime routine).
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Migraines
I had a migraine today that brought me back to the reality that I have to take care of myself and listen to my body. My body is VERY good at bringing me to this realization. It usually gives me a great migriane that I cannot ignore. Today's wasn't as bad as the worst ones, but bad enough that I had to leave my training halfway through and go home to sleep for a few hours before picking my boys up from daycare. Luckily, that and the painkillers worked, so I was still able to go out for dinner with my hubby and ride around in the company convertible.
Oh the joys of relaxation!
Oh the joys of relaxation!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Is it really family reunion time again?
Every year, just as I start thinking about going camping up at Young, I get a phone call. It's from my dear, biological grandmother. She is calling me to invite me to the family reunion... I have told her repeatedly that this is not something I am interested in doing, but she calls every year. Last year, she decided that I needed to do this and left me numerous messages on my answering machine, the last one resulting in her being quite put off that I was not calling her back. Mind you, I was avoiding her calls by checking the caller id, however I was not happy that she had figured this out.
Now before you judge me for avoiding these calls... this is a woman whom I have talked to a total of maybe 10 times in my entire life. I struggle with how to balance what she wants with what I need and desire. She unfortunately does not understand this struggle and believes I should be walking into her family with open arms and a huge smile. That's just not going to happen any time soon and I wish I could nicely tell her that I need to do what is healthy for me, and being an integrated part of her family is not that.
Regardless, I got the call today, and a nice message inviting me and my family to the annual family get together, where I will be able to meet her sister from Germany. (nice guilt addition there). She informed the answering machine, that the rest of the family would LOVE to meet me and my family and she looks forward to my call back.
First of all, I'm not going to a family reunion where my biological mother may decide to attend. I am 29 years old and have had no contact with the rest of this family since I was 2 years old, and EXTREMELY limitted contact with grandma. I am not starting now...
So, I am all triggered again, will have a horrible time falling asleep and will spend the next few days trying to figure out how to explain to grandma again, that I am not going to take this step.
Can't the past just disappear? Or at least accept my decision? I feel comfortable with it, have processed it numerous times and understand why I feel this way. I just have that nagging issue of wanting to please everyone and not let anyone down, even if it's grandma who I get a phone call from once a year.
Now before you judge me for avoiding these calls... this is a woman whom I have talked to a total of maybe 10 times in my entire life. I struggle with how to balance what she wants with what I need and desire. She unfortunately does not understand this struggle and believes I should be walking into her family with open arms and a huge smile. That's just not going to happen any time soon and I wish I could nicely tell her that I need to do what is healthy for me, and being an integrated part of her family is not that.
Regardless, I got the call today, and a nice message inviting me and my family to the annual family get together, where I will be able to meet her sister from Germany. (nice guilt addition there). She informed the answering machine, that the rest of the family would LOVE to meet me and my family and she looks forward to my call back.
First of all, I'm not going to a family reunion where my biological mother may decide to attend. I am 29 years old and have had no contact with the rest of this family since I was 2 years old, and EXTREMELY limitted contact with grandma. I am not starting now...
So, I am all triggered again, will have a horrible time falling asleep and will spend the next few days trying to figure out how to explain to grandma again, that I am not going to take this step.
Can't the past just disappear? Or at least accept my decision? I feel comfortable with it, have processed it numerous times and understand why I feel this way. I just have that nagging issue of wanting to please everyone and not let anyone down, even if it's grandma who I get a phone call from once a year.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Potty training update!
Josh has been dry!!! Since Thursday evening, Josh has had 2 accidents, including naptime, but not bedtime. It's AMAZING to me that he has decided he can do it and be a big boy. One more day and he earns his new bike!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Potty Training
The other day at daycare, Josh had a bm in his pull up while laying down for nap. He then got up and asked his daycare provider to "change his diaper". I decided at this point that he is too old to be wearing pull ups all of the time, because he sees them as a diaper. Yesterday I sent him to daycare in underwear, with plastic pants for added back up. He made it ALL day without having an accident, even through nap time. Today we did the same and managed to even go to Meijer and have another accident free nap. I'm VERY excited! I've been building up the big boy underwear thing and we've talked about having 5 days dry and then getting a new bike (which I already have in the basement, but Josh has not see in yet). I do not expect Josh to stay dry at night, just during the day. He is not very self aware so he rarely asks or tells when he has to go to the bathroom, just bm and that's not all of the time.
Jeff is off to Cadillac this weekend, working on a habitat house. So tomorrow the boys and I are off to the lake. I think tonight, when my sister and nephew come over, we are going to go to the mall and get some more big boy underwear. (Keeping Lightning McQueen dry has been a very successful motivator)
Jeff is off to Cadillac this weekend, working on a habitat house. So tomorrow the boys and I are off to the lake. I think tonight, when my sister and nephew come over, we are going to go to the mall and get some more big boy underwear. (Keeping Lightning McQueen dry has been a very successful motivator)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Procedure done...
I had my surgery today and am officially, no longer pregnant. I have to say that I did make the nurse look for a heart beat with the doppler before I would sign papers to have the procedure completed. I knew it was a last ditch chance and I so wanted them to find something, but knew they wouldn't. I needed to have that one last chance proven wrong before I could go ahead.
I am surprised how physically well I feel after this. Not much pain, just some cramping. That's a blessing!
I have told Josh that our baby had to go away and that we would maybe get another one later. He was upset about this and told me "NO", but I felt I needed to tell him since he spent an hour laying in bed with me last night wimpering and telling me he was sad. He wasn't able to say why he was sad, but I think he had picked up on my feelings, even though I had tried to hide them from him. (HELLO THERAPIST... kids pick up on these things) So we prayed that God would help us not be so sad and that he would take care of our baby. This seemed to appease him, but he has been much more clingy and affectionate in the last few weeks.
Noah has also been struggling with sleeping and being clingy the last few weeks. This could be for a mutlitude of reasons, including family stress, teething, being 1, shots and vacation. Since he's not verbal yet, he's just been getting lots of cuddle time and I've tried not to read too much into it.
Jeff and I continue to do well and support each other, although I know he's supporting me more than I've giving to him. He is going away on a service project this weekend and I'm making sure he goes. This will be good self care for him and I know he loves doing this kind of thing. I've made plans to take the boys to grandma and grandpa's trailer at Sandy Pines so that we will keep busy and have lots of support around if needed.
Emotionally... I think I'm avoiding today... I'm a REALLY good avoider! It's one of my best coping skills and has been used often. It will catch up to me and I will have to take time to grieve this loss again, now that it's final. Until then, I'm putting on my happy face and being thankful that I can take motrin tonight instead of just tylenol.
I am surprised how physically well I feel after this. Not much pain, just some cramping. That's a blessing!
I have told Josh that our baby had to go away and that we would maybe get another one later. He was upset about this and told me "NO", but I felt I needed to tell him since he spent an hour laying in bed with me last night wimpering and telling me he was sad. He wasn't able to say why he was sad, but I think he had picked up on my feelings, even though I had tried to hide them from him. (HELLO THERAPIST... kids pick up on these things) So we prayed that God would help us not be so sad and that he would take care of our baby. This seemed to appease him, but he has been much more clingy and affectionate in the last few weeks.
Noah has also been struggling with sleeping and being clingy the last few weeks. This could be for a mutlitude of reasons, including family stress, teething, being 1, shots and vacation. Since he's not verbal yet, he's just been getting lots of cuddle time and I've tried not to read too much into it.
Jeff and I continue to do well and support each other, although I know he's supporting me more than I've giving to him. He is going away on a service project this weekend and I'm making sure he goes. This will be good self care for him and I know he loves doing this kind of thing. I've made plans to take the boys to grandma and grandpa's trailer at Sandy Pines so that we will keep busy and have lots of support around if needed.
Emotionally... I think I'm avoiding today... I'm a REALLY good avoider! It's one of my best coping skills and has been used often. It will catch up to me and I will have to take time to grieve this loss again, now that it's final. Until then, I'm putting on my happy face and being thankful that I can take motrin tonight instead of just tylenol.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Ambivalence
Tomorrow I go in for surgery to end this pregnancy, which seems weird because it's already a dead end pregnancy, but I'm still technically pregnant. I thought I was doing well with this, but the last few days I've been very teary. Maybe because I'm still throwing up, looking pregnant and feeling pregnant. Maybe because I picked up the medication I'm supposed to take tonight and it says don't take if you are pregnant. Maybe it's just the finality of it all...
I am also struck by the irony that if I had not had that "free" ultrasound, I would still not know that this pregnancy would not end in a happy birth. I'm not sure which way is better, waiting two more weeks and either starting to miscarry on my own or having them not find a heartbeat at my next appointment, or having gone through this situation. No matter what, I cling to the fact that God has a plan and that this was the way it was supposed to happen.
Either way, I feel like a basket case and just want to curl up in my bed and forget about it all for a while. Lucky for me, I have two busy boys who don't allow me to seclude myself from the world and who allow me to get lost in their worlds instead. I thank God for not giving me this type of experience before I had other children. Our first miscarriage was very early and we hardly knew we were pregnant. This child has an identity and will be even harder to let go of, but we will move on. I would have a much harder time with this loss if I didn't know I could have children and if I didn't know God. I have had a lot of support from family, friends and church family through all of this and even though I sometimes get the insensitive comment like "so technically, you didn't lose a baby...," (which I have to say I disagree with because I believe life begins at conception and there was and still is a fertilized egg hanging on in there), I have received many sensitive comments and reassurances.
I am once again reminded of how our own life experiences can be used in our work as therapist... I have explained to teenagers who ask about this, that I will grieve in much the same way as they grieve their birth parents and it will be an ongoing process and even when I think I'm done, I will be triggered by something unexpected and feel that sadness again. I am reminded by other's attempts to connect with me that everyone has a different experience in whatever situation they have faced and even though they may seem similar, it is still not appropriate to state that you know what they are going through.
I know that tomorrow I will be very sad, but I also know that I will continue to grow stronger with each passing day.
I was given the option of having the lab look at the tissue to analyze, but have decided that I do not want to know if a mistake was made and there was a child growing. I would never be able to trust myself or my doctor again if I ended a productive pregnancy. I also do not want to know what chromosomal abnormality might have caused this. Jeff and I decided early on when we were trying to start a family that we would not do genetic testing or screening for downs syndrome or other chromosomal defects. We knew that even if we found out that one of our children had something like this, we would not be ending the pregnancy anyway and we would love our child no matter what. We continue to believe this and do not want to start questioning those beliefs now or for any future pregnancy.
I am also struck by the irony that if I had not had that "free" ultrasound, I would still not know that this pregnancy would not end in a happy birth. I'm not sure which way is better, waiting two more weeks and either starting to miscarry on my own or having them not find a heartbeat at my next appointment, or having gone through this situation. No matter what, I cling to the fact that God has a plan and that this was the way it was supposed to happen.
Either way, I feel like a basket case and just want to curl up in my bed and forget about it all for a while. Lucky for me, I have two busy boys who don't allow me to seclude myself from the world and who allow me to get lost in their worlds instead. I thank God for not giving me this type of experience before I had other children. Our first miscarriage was very early and we hardly knew we were pregnant. This child has an identity and will be even harder to let go of, but we will move on. I would have a much harder time with this loss if I didn't know I could have children and if I didn't know God. I have had a lot of support from family, friends and church family through all of this and even though I sometimes get the insensitive comment like "so technically, you didn't lose a baby...," (which I have to say I disagree with because I believe life begins at conception and there was and still is a fertilized egg hanging on in there), I have received many sensitive comments and reassurances.
I am once again reminded of how our own life experiences can be used in our work as therapist... I have explained to teenagers who ask about this, that I will grieve in much the same way as they grieve their birth parents and it will be an ongoing process and even when I think I'm done, I will be triggered by something unexpected and feel that sadness again. I am reminded by other's attempts to connect with me that everyone has a different experience in whatever situation they have faced and even though they may seem similar, it is still not appropriate to state that you know what they are going through.
I know that tomorrow I will be very sad, but I also know that I will continue to grow stronger with each passing day.
I was given the option of having the lab look at the tissue to analyze, but have decided that I do not want to know if a mistake was made and there was a child growing. I would never be able to trust myself or my doctor again if I ended a productive pregnancy. I also do not want to know what chromosomal abnormality might have caused this. Jeff and I decided early on when we were trying to start a family that we would not do genetic testing or screening for downs syndrome or other chromosomal defects. We knew that even if we found out that one of our children had something like this, we would not be ending the pregnancy anyway and we would love our child no matter what. We continue to believe this and do not want to start questioning those beliefs now or for any future pregnancy.
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