The boys love the new laptop with the webcam. I am frequently asked if we can "see us and wear hats". Our cam comes with some fun effects. The boys are getting used to talking to family online, which is weird since they always told us in elementary and middle school that some day we would talk to each other across the country and be able to see each other. Never thought it would happen then, kinda like a someday we'll all live on the moon, but this time it did. So here is a video of the boys and I playing around a bit. Enjoy our silliness!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Life is good!?
For once I am actually glad to be home with my sick child. I have been working my BUTT OFF at work and had an excuse today to stay home in PJ's and cuddle with Josh. He probably could have gone to daycare and been miserable, but who wants that? Instead he's resting with me, I finished our taxes and was able to make a bunch of phone calls that would have had to wait till tomorrow. Noah is at daycare so that he doesn't got Josh's germs. No sense in having them both sick.
Luckily, in working my butt off at work, I should still reach my required productivity by working Friday. Yeah for that!
Another thing going on, it is hard to believe, but I was supposed to have a baby on Saturday. February 7th was Seth's due date. I can't believe it's been six month's since we miscarried him and only three months since the baby after him. I have to say that I've been doing okay, even good. It's sometimes hard to admit that I am doing good, as I feel this somehow bad, but I am. I have started to look at my life plan a little differently. Sometimes I don't want to try to have another baby, some days I want to adopt a little girl, and some days I'm ready to get pregnant. Isn't that life though? Especially after 3 miscarriages.... I believe it is and if you don't, please don't tell me.
(okay I lied, I just bawled my eyes out... it sucks to lose children)
I thrilled that it's sunny out today!!!! I love that my little guy just fell asleep next to me in the recliner, even if he is snoring and getting his germs all over me. I love my husband and being able to spend time with him whenever we are both home at the same time, or when we make a point of just going to do something simple. I am thankful that I am able to move up to full time at work and add income to our family when so many people are struggling to figure out what to do with income losses.
So overall, Life is good... Not perfect, but I hardly expect that to happen. Come on, it's a fallen world. I'm just thrilled to be content at the moment.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
New laptop!!!
I got a new laptop yesterday so that I can do paperwork at home. Okay, I could have done it on the desktop, but that's in the office, and there is NOTHING in there that the boys should be playing with. I want to be able to do paperwork at home so I can be home more, while still working full time. So, I'm having fun learning the new stuff... It's my first time with Vista, a webcam and a fingerprint reader.
The boys love the webcam, so expect some video uploads soon!
The boys love the webcam, so expect some video uploads soon!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Big boys in Big beds
Noah has moved into a toddler bed... my little boy is getting so big. We found a really good deal on a Nemo bed and decided to grab it while we could. $20 later, we moved the mattress out of the crib and now have two toddlers in two toddler beds. I had to move them apart today because Josh discovered he could jump from one to the other. OH goodness, we did not want another missing tooth.
Thanksgiving has come and gone. We celebrated twice, once with each side of the family, and I managed not to cry. Cry? Yes, Cry... I have cried at work at least once a week in the past few weeks, as I get reminded unexpectely of the grief I feel over the loss of these two little ones this year. I have decided that I am grieving them both right now. I must not have done enough grieving the first time, because this time is BAD! So the holidays are a mixed blessing. I am thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for a home, a job and a mighty and powerful God. I am also thankful that God is taking care of my little ones in heaven, even though I long for them to be here. That longing is SO hard to explain. How do you explain the gut wrenching sobs that come from longing for something so strongly? You can't and I hope you never have to hear them. I pray that God continues to richly bless you all and in our struggles and trials, remind us of all we have to be thankful for.
Thanksgiving has come and gone. We celebrated twice, once with each side of the family, and I managed not to cry. Cry? Yes, Cry... I have cried at work at least once a week in the past few weeks, as I get reminded unexpectely of the grief I feel over the loss of these two little ones this year. I have decided that I am grieving them both right now. I must not have done enough grieving the first time, because this time is BAD! So the holidays are a mixed blessing. I am thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful for a home, a job and a mighty and powerful God. I am also thankful that God is taking care of my little ones in heaven, even though I long for them to be here. That longing is SO hard to explain. How do you explain the gut wrenching sobs that come from longing for something so strongly? You can't and I hope you never have to hear them. I pray that God continues to richly bless you all and in our struggles and trials, remind us of all we have to be thankful for.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Mad and Sad
I've been working hard on things in our house the last few days, an obvious attempt to distract myself and keep from feeling the feelings that I have. As I was trimming bushes, I remarked that I am MAD. I'm not sure who I'm mad at, but I am mad that I lost this baby. I'm mad that this is the third I've lost. I am just plain MAD. But under that madness is a deep, gut wrenching sadness. I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I long to hold a newborn in my arms again. I long to feel the movement of life inside me. I long to have the third child that I have always thought would complete our family.
So I start asking the question WHY? Why me? Why not me? Why does someone else deserve to go through this pain and not me? But why me again? Why two in a row? Why did I believe it wouldn't happen this time? Why, Why, Why?
And then I allow myself to cry. My children are in bed and I can let down my happy mom face. I can cry the tears that have built up inside me all day. I feel sorrow and pain that is unexplainable, but that I cannot put into words. I seek out friends and family to keep my company, to keep my mind from thinking about this. But eventually they also need to go home and I am forced to confront my feelings. I am force to experience them and not avoid them any longer. I allow myself to be weak.
I struggle with feeling weak and out of control. For those of you who know me well, you know that I always have a plan and that I do not let my guard down. I strive to be perfect in an easy going way. It's not completely type A personality, but a more relaxed version. I keep my emotions locked tightly away and do not allow myself to be hurt by showing them. Maybe this is one thing God is trying to teach me. To ask for help and to share myself truly. Maybe He is teaching me again that I am not as strong as I would like to believe and that I cannot handle everything on my own.
Maybe I need to be a child of God and crawl into His lap and cry. And the tears will flow freely and the questions will be unsensored and God would understand and accept this. He will hold me in His arms and reassure me that this is what needed to happen. He would not give me all of the answers I wanted and I would need to keep trusting in Him, but He would comfort me. He would not need me to explain my thoughts and feelings because He already knows. He has felt them with me and He understands.
So I start asking the question WHY? Why me? Why not me? Why does someone else deserve to go through this pain and not me? But why me again? Why two in a row? Why did I believe it wouldn't happen this time? Why, Why, Why?
And then I allow myself to cry. My children are in bed and I can let down my happy mom face. I can cry the tears that have built up inside me all day. I feel sorrow and pain that is unexplainable, but that I cannot put into words. I seek out friends and family to keep my company, to keep my mind from thinking about this. But eventually they also need to go home and I am forced to confront my feelings. I am force to experience them and not avoid them any longer. I allow myself to be weak.
I struggle with feeling weak and out of control. For those of you who know me well, you know that I always have a plan and that I do not let my guard down. I strive to be perfect in an easy going way. It's not completely type A personality, but a more relaxed version. I keep my emotions locked tightly away and do not allow myself to be hurt by showing them. Maybe this is one thing God is trying to teach me. To ask for help and to share myself truly. Maybe He is teaching me again that I am not as strong as I would like to believe and that I cannot handle everything on my own.
Maybe I need to be a child of God and crawl into His lap and cry. And the tears will flow freely and the questions will be unsensored and God would understand and accept this. He will hold me in His arms and reassure me that this is what needed to happen. He would not give me all of the answers I wanted and I would need to keep trusting in Him, but He would comfort me. He would not need me to explain my thoughts and feelings because He already knows. He has felt them with me and He understands.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Another loss...
Just when I think life is going perfectly, God reminds me that life in this world is not perfect, nor will I ever understand it. Jeff and I were excitedly planning for the birth of another child the end of June, but this child has also gone to be with it's Heavenly Father. I miscarried over the last few days at 6 weeks. I don't know why... I don't know when we'll try again... I just don't know much right now, except that we are hurt and not as optimistic as we have been in the past.
I guess I was preparing myself for this to happen, as I didn't want to be as hurt as last time, but how do you ever prepare yourself to lose a child. A child, a precious gift that God gives us to nurture and care for during our time on earth. I have two of these precious gifts in my arms each day and maybe that is enough... maybe, maybe not...
I guess I was preparing myself for this to happen, as I didn't want to be as hurt as last time, but how do you ever prepare yourself to lose a child. A child, a precious gift that God gives us to nurture and care for during our time on earth. I have two of these precious gifts in my arms each day and maybe that is enough... maybe, maybe not...
Monday, October 27, 2008
Back...
It's been a long time since I've posted an update on here, this is what's been going on...
We have decided to put our house up for sale by owner for the winter and then use a realtor this spring if needed. That has meant a lot of cleaning and trying to get ready for a possible call once we put up the sign.
I've been trying to figure out day care changes for the boys. We have decided to put Josh in a structured daycare setting two days a week. This will give him some "school" time and give him some time away from his brother. Both will hopefully be a good thing for him.
Noah will be staying with our current home daycare provider. She just had a baby and will be returning to work in two weeks, when her baby is 4 weeks old. This will be an interesting adjustment for Noah, who is used to being the youngest, but may prove to be good practice for a younger sibling someday.
Jeff has been VERY busy at work and it seems we are working opposite schedules many days. The boys are getting lots of time with us, just not both of us. This is one of those struggles that come with me wanting to use my degree and do the therapy work that I love.
Josh has started attending sunday school and singing in the children's choir at church. He LOVES it! I thought he might have a hard time, but my outgoing little guy jumped right into it.
Noah is FINALLY out of 6-12 month clothes. He is 17 months now, so it's about time he moved onto the 12-18 month size. Most of these are still a litttle big, but he is growing!
That's the update... sorry it's been so long.
We have decided to put our house up for sale by owner for the winter and then use a realtor this spring if needed. That has meant a lot of cleaning and trying to get ready for a possible call once we put up the sign.
I've been trying to figure out day care changes for the boys. We have decided to put Josh in a structured daycare setting two days a week. This will give him some "school" time and give him some time away from his brother. Both will hopefully be a good thing for him.
Noah will be staying with our current home daycare provider. She just had a baby and will be returning to work in two weeks, when her baby is 4 weeks old. This will be an interesting adjustment for Noah, who is used to being the youngest, but may prove to be good practice for a younger sibling someday.
Jeff has been VERY busy at work and it seems we are working opposite schedules many days. The boys are getting lots of time with us, just not both of us. This is one of those struggles that come with me wanting to use my degree and do the therapy work that I love.
Josh has started attending sunday school and singing in the children's choir at church. He LOVES it! I thought he might have a hard time, but my outgoing little guy jumped right into it.
Noah is FINALLY out of 6-12 month clothes. He is 17 months now, so it's about time he moved onto the 12-18 month size. Most of these are still a litttle big, but he is growing!
That's the update... sorry it's been so long.
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