Mad and Sad

I've been working hard on things in our house the last few days, an obvious attempt to distract myself and keep from feeling the feelings that I have. As I was trimming bushes, I remarked that I am MAD. I'm not sure who I'm mad at, but I am mad that I lost this baby. I'm mad that this is the third I've lost. I am just plain MAD. But under that madness is a deep, gut wrenching sadness. I do not want to feel this pain anymore. I long to hold a newborn in my arms again. I long to feel the movement of life inside me. I long to have the third child that I have always thought would complete our family.

So I start asking the question WHY? Why me? Why not me? Why does someone else deserve to go through this pain and not me? But why me again? Why two in a row? Why did I believe it wouldn't happen this time? Why, Why, Why?

And then I allow myself to cry. My children are in bed and I can let down my happy mom face. I can cry the tears that have built up inside me all day. I feel sorrow and pain that is unexplainable, but that I cannot put into words. I seek out friends and family to keep my company, to keep my mind from thinking about this. But eventually they also need to go home and I am forced to confront my feelings. I am force to experience them and not avoid them any longer. I allow myself to be weak.

I struggle with feeling weak and out of control. For those of you who know me well, you know that I always have a plan and that I do not let my guard down. I strive to be perfect in an easy going way. It's not completely type A personality, but a more relaxed version. I keep my emotions locked tightly away and do not allow myself to be hurt by showing them. Maybe this is one thing God is trying to teach me. To ask for help and to share myself truly. Maybe He is teaching me again that I am not as strong as I would like to believe and that I cannot handle everything on my own.

Maybe I need to be a child of God and crawl into His lap and cry. And the tears will flow freely and the questions will be unsensored and God would understand and accept this. He will hold me in His arms and reassure me that this is what needed to happen. He would not give me all of the answers I wanted and I would need to keep trusting in Him, but He would comfort me. He would not need me to explain my thoughts and feelings because He already knows. He has felt them with me and He understands.