Migraines

I had a migraine today that brought me back to the reality that I have to take care of myself and listen to my body. My body is VERY good at bringing me to this realization. It usually gives me a great migriane that I cannot ignore. Today's wasn't as bad as the worst ones, but bad enough that I had to leave my training halfway through and go home to sleep for a few hours before picking my boys up from daycare. Luckily, that and the painkillers worked, so I was still able to go out for dinner with my hubby and ride around in the company convertible.

Oh the joys of relaxation!

Is it really family reunion time again?

Every year, just as I start thinking about going camping up at Young, I get a phone call. It's from my dear, biological grandmother. She is calling me to invite me to the family reunion... I have told her repeatedly that this is not something I am interested in doing, but she calls every year. Last year, she decided that I needed to do this and left me numerous messages on my answering machine, the last one resulting in her being quite put off that I was not calling her back. Mind you, I was avoiding her calls by checking the caller id, however I was not happy that she had figured this out.

Now before you judge me for avoiding these calls... this is a woman whom I have talked to a total of maybe 10 times in my entire life. I struggle with how to balance what she wants with what I need and desire. She unfortunately does not understand this struggle and believes I should be walking into her family with open arms and a huge smile. That's just not going to happen any time soon and I wish I could nicely tell her that I need to do what is healthy for me, and being an integrated part of her family is not that.

Regardless, I got the call today, and a nice message inviting me and my family to the annual family get together, where I will be able to meet her sister from Germany. (nice guilt addition there). She informed the answering machine, that the rest of the family would LOVE to meet me and my family and she looks forward to my call back.

First of all, I'm not going to a family reunion where my biological mother may decide to attend. I am 29 years old and have had no contact with the rest of this family since I was 2 years old, and EXTREMELY limitted contact with grandma. I am not starting now...

So, I am all triggered again, will have a horrible time falling asleep and will spend the next few days trying to figure out how to explain to grandma again, that I am not going to take this step.

Can't the past just disappear? Or at least accept my decision? I feel comfortable with it, have processed it numerous times and understand why I feel this way. I just have that nagging issue of wanting to please everyone and not let anyone down, even if it's grandma who I get a phone call from once a year.

Potty training update!

Josh has been dry!!! Since Thursday evening, Josh has had 2 accidents, including naptime, but not bedtime. It's AMAZING to me that he has decided he can do it and be a big boy. One more day and he earns his new bike!

Potty Training

The other day at daycare, Josh had a bm in his pull up while laying down for nap. He then got up and asked his daycare provider to "change his diaper". I decided at this point that he is too old to be wearing pull ups all of the time, because he sees them as a diaper. Yesterday I sent him to daycare in underwear, with plastic pants for added back up. He made it ALL day without having an accident, even through nap time. Today we did the same and managed to even go to Meijer and have another accident free nap. I'm VERY excited! I've been building up the big boy underwear thing and we've talked about having 5 days dry and then getting a new bike (which I already have in the basement, but Josh has not see in yet). I do not expect Josh to stay dry at night, just during the day. He is not very self aware so he rarely asks or tells when he has to go to the bathroom, just bm and that's not all of the time.

Jeff is off to Cadillac this weekend, working on a habitat house. So tomorrow the boys and I are off to the lake. I think tonight, when my sister and nephew come over, we are going to go to the mall and get some more big boy underwear. (Keeping Lightning McQueen dry has been a very successful motivator)

Procedure done...

I had my surgery today and am officially, no longer pregnant. I have to say that I did make the nurse look for a heart beat with the doppler before I would sign papers to have the procedure completed. I knew it was a last ditch chance and I so wanted them to find something, but knew they wouldn't. I needed to have that one last chance proven wrong before I could go ahead.

I am surprised how physically well I feel after this. Not much pain, just some cramping. That's a blessing!

I have told Josh that our baby had to go away and that we would maybe get another one later. He was upset about this and told me "NO", but I felt I needed to tell him since he spent an hour laying in bed with me last night wimpering and telling me he was sad. He wasn't able to say why he was sad, but I think he had picked up on my feelings, even though I had tried to hide them from him. (HELLO THERAPIST... kids pick up on these things) So we prayed that God would help us not be so sad and that he would take care of our baby. This seemed to appease him, but he has been much more clingy and affectionate in the last few weeks.

Noah has also been struggling with sleeping and being clingy the last few weeks. This could be for a mutlitude of reasons, including family stress, teething, being 1, shots and vacation. Since he's not verbal yet, he's just been getting lots of cuddle time and I've tried not to read too much into it.

Jeff and I continue to do well and support each other, although I know he's supporting me more than I've giving to him. He is going away on a service project this weekend and I'm making sure he goes. This will be good self care for him and I know he loves doing this kind of thing. I've made plans to take the boys to grandma and grandpa's trailer at Sandy Pines so that we will keep busy and have lots of support around if needed.

Emotionally... I think I'm avoiding today... I'm a REALLY good avoider! It's one of my best coping skills and has been used often. It will catch up to me and I will have to take time to grieve this loss again, now that it's final. Until then, I'm putting on my happy face and being thankful that I can take motrin tonight instead of just tylenol.

Ambivalence

Tomorrow I go in for surgery to end this pregnancy, which seems weird because it's already a dead end pregnancy, but I'm still technically pregnant. I thought I was doing well with this, but the last few days I've been very teary. Maybe because I'm still throwing up, looking pregnant and feeling pregnant. Maybe because I picked up the medication I'm supposed to take tonight and it says don't take if you are pregnant. Maybe it's just the finality of it all...

I am also struck by the irony that if I had not had that "free" ultrasound, I would still not know that this pregnancy would not end in a happy birth. I'm not sure which way is better, waiting two more weeks and either starting to miscarry on my own or having them not find a heartbeat at my next appointment, or having gone through this situation. No matter what, I cling to the fact that God has a plan and that this was the way it was supposed to happen.

Either way, I feel like a basket case and just want to curl up in my bed and forget about it all for a while. Lucky for me, I have two busy boys who don't allow me to seclude myself from the world and who allow me to get lost in their worlds instead. I thank God for not giving me this type of experience before I had other children. Our first miscarriage was very early and we hardly knew we were pregnant. This child has an identity and will be even harder to let go of, but we will move on. I would have a much harder time with this loss if I didn't know I could have children and if I didn't know God. I have had a lot of support from family, friends and church family through all of this and even though I sometimes get the insensitive comment like "so technically, you didn't lose a baby...," (which I have to say I disagree with because I believe life begins at conception and there was and still is a fertilized egg hanging on in there), I have received many sensitive comments and reassurances.

I am once again reminded of how our own life experiences can be used in our work as therapist... I have explained to teenagers who ask about this, that I will grieve in much the same way as they grieve their birth parents and it will be an ongoing process and even when I think I'm done, I will be triggered by something unexpected and feel that sadness again. I am reminded by other's attempts to connect with me that everyone has a different experience in whatever situation they have faced and even though they may seem similar, it is still not appropriate to state that you know what they are going through.

I know that tomorrow I will be very sad, but I also know that I will continue to grow stronger with each passing day.

I was given the option of having the lab look at the tissue to analyze, but have decided that I do not want to know if a mistake was made and there was a child growing. I would never be able to trust myself or my doctor again if I ended a productive pregnancy. I also do not want to know what chromosomal abnormality might have caused this. Jeff and I decided early on when we were trying to start a family that we would not do genetic testing or screening for downs syndrome or other chromosomal defects. We knew that even if we found out that one of our children had something like this, we would not be ending the pregnancy anyway and we would love our child no matter what. We continue to believe this and do not want to start questioning those beliefs now or for any future pregnancy.

Grieving

We had our ultrasound and have some very clear answers. The gestational sac has started to shrink which clearly means there is nothing growing inside it and that the pregancy is not viable. We have decided to wait until Monday to have a procedure done, but have peace in knowing there is not a new Rozema joining our family in Febuary. I must be all cried out because I haven't even cried today. I'm home doing paper work and getting ready to go back to work tomorrow. I am thankful for a clear answer as waiting has been one of the hardest things. I know that there is a reason for this and we will try for another child in a few months. In the mean time, I will enjoy the rest of the summer with my silly boys and remember this little one along with the first one that we lost.

I remember asking Jeff, when we first found out we might miscarry, if he thought God was taking care of our baby. I have to believe that both of our little angels are with God and all of the other children who do not make it to birth. Maybe that's where all of those baby cherub images come from. I won't ever look at them the same as I wonder what our little cherubs look like and know that I will recognize them in heaven.

Thanks for all of the prayers for our family. I do have an amazing peace about this and know if must be from all of your faithfulness!

Ultrasound tomorrow

Tomorrow morning at 9 am we have another ultrasound scheduled. I'm praying that they find our little one, but know that the chances of that are slim. I go back to work on Wednesday regardless. I think I've decided that unless things have stopped growing are are starting to deteriorate, I'm going to hold out until 12 weeks, when a heart beat should be able to be heard with a doppler, or until my body recognizes this as an unviable pregnancy. That's only 2.5 more weeks, but they will be hard long weeks. Maybe I won't have to worry about that at all, if they find our little one's heart beat tomorrow, but I struggle with hope and realism. Again, thanks for all of the prayers. Luckily, I've been feeling okay, just pregnant, and have been able to enjoy this time with my family.

It's now Thursday evening...

It's now Thursday evening and it appears there are no new answers. If anything, I feel more pregnant and more hopeful that this pregancy will continue in a healthy way. I know this may be false hope, but I've found some encouraging sites online that continue to give me hope. I thank you all for your prayers and support as we wait for answers in this long journey!

Updates...

I know everyone has been wondering what has been happening that we have been asking for prayers this week. It's hard to update that on facebook so here is the lowdown. On Friday I went for my first doctor's appointment for this pregnancy. I was 8 weeks along and was offered an early ultrasound with the new equipment. Exciting for me, since I've never had an early ultrasound and I really wanted to have a picture of this baby to bring home and show Josh. During the ultrasound, a gestational sac was found, but no heartbeat or baby. This is typically called a blithe ovum and we were told we had miscarried and I would likely pass the pregnancy over the weekend.

Well, we were planning to leave right after our doctor's appointment to go on a long weekend of zoo visits with the boys. We were told this was fine and when I started bleeding to call the doctor so he could decide whether or not I needed to go to an emergency room or if I was doing okay on my own. If I hadn't passed it by the time we got back, a D&C would be scheduled. We left very sad and upset, but determined to salvage the weekend.

Over the weekend, I continued to have morning sickness and had no bleeding. I had a very hard time understanding how I could still feel so pregnant if I was not supporting a baby. I decided that when I got back, I was going to ask for another round of blood work, thinking this would give me a clear indication that there was no child growing. My doctor supported this and understood I did not want to end the pregnancy if there was any chance.

On Monday night I went in and got that work done and my hormone levels were 46,000. This is very good for where I am at in the pregnancy. My doctor was also impressed and scheduled another ultrasound stating that he had been surprised before and had some hope. I went for the second ultrasound on Tuesday and again, no baby or heartbeat, but my gestational sac had grown. This seemed like a clear answer to me and we planned to have a d&c scheduled for Thursday. Soon after talking with my doctor, he called me back and said he was unnerved by the whole thing. He felt my hormone levels were too high and with the sac still growing, he did not want to end this pregnancy with the chance that maybe we were missing something in the ultrasounds.

Needless to say, this has been an emotional roller coaster as I start to deal with the idea that I have lost a baby, then get another glimmer of hope from the medical profession. This would be my second miscarriage, which does not make it any easier. I see my two healthy little boys running around and know that God has a plan, but continue to question what that is.

Thank you for all of the prayers and support. I'll try to update everyone as we get clearer answers. We have another ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday, unless my body gives us the clear answer before then.