Ambivalence

Tomorrow I go in for surgery to end this pregnancy, which seems weird because it's already a dead end pregnancy, but I'm still technically pregnant. I thought I was doing well with this, but the last few days I've been very teary. Maybe because I'm still throwing up, looking pregnant and feeling pregnant. Maybe because I picked up the medication I'm supposed to take tonight and it says don't take if you are pregnant. Maybe it's just the finality of it all...

I am also struck by the irony that if I had not had that "free" ultrasound, I would still not know that this pregnancy would not end in a happy birth. I'm not sure which way is better, waiting two more weeks and either starting to miscarry on my own or having them not find a heartbeat at my next appointment, or having gone through this situation. No matter what, I cling to the fact that God has a plan and that this was the way it was supposed to happen.

Either way, I feel like a basket case and just want to curl up in my bed and forget about it all for a while. Lucky for me, I have two busy boys who don't allow me to seclude myself from the world and who allow me to get lost in their worlds instead. I thank God for not giving me this type of experience before I had other children. Our first miscarriage was very early and we hardly knew we were pregnant. This child has an identity and will be even harder to let go of, but we will move on. I would have a much harder time with this loss if I didn't know I could have children and if I didn't know God. I have had a lot of support from family, friends and church family through all of this and even though I sometimes get the insensitive comment like "so technically, you didn't lose a baby...," (which I have to say I disagree with because I believe life begins at conception and there was and still is a fertilized egg hanging on in there), I have received many sensitive comments and reassurances.

I am once again reminded of how our own life experiences can be used in our work as therapist... I have explained to teenagers who ask about this, that I will grieve in much the same way as they grieve their birth parents and it will be an ongoing process and even when I think I'm done, I will be triggered by something unexpected and feel that sadness again. I am reminded by other's attempts to connect with me that everyone has a different experience in whatever situation they have faced and even though they may seem similar, it is still not appropriate to state that you know what they are going through.

I know that tomorrow I will be very sad, but I also know that I will continue to grow stronger with each passing day.

I was given the option of having the lab look at the tissue to analyze, but have decided that I do not want to know if a mistake was made and there was a child growing. I would never be able to trust myself or my doctor again if I ended a productive pregnancy. I also do not want to know what chromosomal abnormality might have caused this. Jeff and I decided early on when we were trying to start a family that we would not do genetic testing or screening for downs syndrome or other chromosomal defects. We knew that even if we found out that one of our children had something like this, we would not be ending the pregnancy anyway and we would love our child no matter what. We continue to believe this and do not want to start questioning those beliefs now or for any future pregnancy.