Procedure done...

I had my surgery today and am officially, no longer pregnant. I have to say that I did make the nurse look for a heart beat with the doppler before I would sign papers to have the procedure completed. I knew it was a last ditch chance and I so wanted them to find something, but knew they wouldn't. I needed to have that one last chance proven wrong before I could go ahead.

I am surprised how physically well I feel after this. Not much pain, just some cramping. That's a blessing!

I have told Josh that our baby had to go away and that we would maybe get another one later. He was upset about this and told me "NO", but I felt I needed to tell him since he spent an hour laying in bed with me last night wimpering and telling me he was sad. He wasn't able to say why he was sad, but I think he had picked up on my feelings, even though I had tried to hide them from him. (HELLO THERAPIST... kids pick up on these things) So we prayed that God would help us not be so sad and that he would take care of our baby. This seemed to appease him, but he has been much more clingy and affectionate in the last few weeks.

Noah has also been struggling with sleeping and being clingy the last few weeks. This could be for a mutlitude of reasons, including family stress, teething, being 1, shots and vacation. Since he's not verbal yet, he's just been getting lots of cuddle time and I've tried not to read too much into it.

Jeff and I continue to do well and support each other, although I know he's supporting me more than I've giving to him. He is going away on a service project this weekend and I'm making sure he goes. This will be good self care for him and I know he loves doing this kind of thing. I've made plans to take the boys to grandma and grandpa's trailer at Sandy Pines so that we will keep busy and have lots of support around if needed.

Emotionally... I think I'm avoiding today... I'm a REALLY good avoider! It's one of my best coping skills and has been used often. It will catch up to me and I will have to take time to grieve this loss again, now that it's final. Until then, I'm putting on my happy face and being thankful that I can take motrin tonight instead of just tylenol.